Numb was my cocoon

Complacent (numb was my cocoon)

I became stagnant
I had allowed myself to accept rejection daily as a normal way of life.
I cannot sit still beside myself watching all life go on around me any longer
I am changing from the outside in because from the inside out is too painful.
Maybe If I change how I look and feel it will change the way I know how to be
I understand that you are in pain, but I cannot fix you.
I am tired of being depressed by your depression.
I cannot heal you and cannot bring you back if you do not want to be here.
I cannot make you well if you do not care for yourself.
Yet we stay and the wait begins again
Anger turns to pain, pain turns to numb and I have yet to begin again.
I have lost all knowledge of compassion, how to show it and how to be it.
I have gained impatience and now a longing to persevere
I will mourn the old rag doll I called myself
I will embrace the emergent me
I now know that the numb was my cocoon
I only have to wait for my wings to dry.
Then I am free to sail up high again once more.

Lost in this Reverie

When the veil of intrigue fell away
when the dance became mundane
when the dreams of life are no longer a masquerade.
The image that you painted seemed
as a vague resemblance of what it should be
Hope cries in my soul
I feel lost in this reverie
A debt is begotten and not paid.
A beloved heirloom put away,
Hidden in a chest for a later day.
I scream inside wanting you to wake.
Where am I and where are we.
I am here don’t you see me.
Dust grows thick on the corners.
I am alone, yet we are together.
Hope screams in my soul,
For what we used to be.

I miss the girl I was

I remember the days when I floated on air
When your smile could paint my sky
When our love was new and fresh my dear
I lived in a constant sigh
The colors were grand and vibrant
Nothing could bring me downTrinkets and flowers and a few lines of prose
French Vanilla coffee and a kiss on the nose
I was your sweetness I was so fond of this.
This pedestal treatment 
I remember the days when I floated on air
When your smile could paint my sky
When our love was new and fresh my dear
I lived in a constant sigh
The colors were grand and vibrant
Nothing could bring me downTrinkets and flowers and a few lines of prose
French Vanilla coffee and a kiss on the nose
I was your sweetness I was so fond of this.
This pedestal treatment was my bliss
But now?
Your smile is slow to come
Disappointments and struggles muddy up our fun
Life has become less than grand
Love has settled on a familiar ground
And I've slowly, slowly floated back down
I want to feel that feeling again
It so hard to fight this frown
I miss that girl who I was when your love first came to town. ent, was my bliss
But now?
Your smile is slow to come
Disappointments and struggles muddy up our fun
Life has become less than grand
Love has settled on a familiar ground
And I've slowly, slowly floated back down
I want to feel that feeling again
It so hard to fight this frown
I miss that girl who I was when your love first came to town.

If you could hear the words inside head, instead

If you could hear the words inside my head instead of the ones that I can say.

There might be joy, there might be delighted, there might even be dismay.

What is proper or what is right…  Is it a binding principle of respect?

The world dictates my etiquette…

So the real thoughts are hidden… And never said…

We live our lives with these rules that bind…

Thanks that not all are truth sayers…

Or the leftover shreds would be cast away…

The omniscient deity is something I cannot hear..so. I choose principle…

Right now… It is the only way…

Soaring on Thermals

Soaring on Thermals

The enlightened inspiration

Not a single hesitation…

Soul’s wings tested the new dry shape

With each little turn and tilt driving further into enstasy

She withdrew from the practical, from the mundane.

Came from the trials and tribulations of this world;

A new found lucid inner light.

Standing inside ones-self,

to experience the resplendent vestal flight

Pure consciousness and primal substance flowing

Perseverance and persistence…

Like a warm blanket or a southern breeze…

The encouragement in this room is ever-flowing..

Kabir’s – place where the soul is less thirsty.

Thoughts require movement outwards,

This commands acts of imagination.

Secretly I applaud you all

Soaring on thermals once again.

Thank you all…

My wellspring source of inspirations.

Summers Entrance

There was no hesitation to summer today.

She came marching in

With her cloud like skirts hiked up,

Mist and humidity billowing around her.

Suppressing all creativity.

She bellowed and she roared and

She blew out her barbarous breath-like-Sax

Just like Rafferty playing “Baker Street”

Greeting May, and firmly wishing her Adieu.

Heated oppression has now set in again until

We are freed by the cool child-like breezes

Of Early November.

I inhale wishing to smell your sweet Perfume, once more.

I inhale, wishing to smell your sweet perfume, lingering as you walk out the front door. Like so many times before, but I know you will not anymore

You were always so extraordinary, Creative, and witty. So beautiful, and often much like a Gypsy. I exhale quickly knowing you’re not there. Do you even miss me?

Today’s the Day I gave Birth to You. Germany is 7 hours ahead. You breathed and I smiled, as I Gazed at you. Love was born in my heart in an instant.

I nurtured and labored, and provided for you. Your life was touched by, trauma, and so much saddness.

The Beautiful flower inside of you, wilted and melted, and faded away. The light that I knew shining in you, was forever blown away.

You didn’t deserve the things that happened to you. You didn’t deserve the pain you went through. God, if I could have taken it away.

Then maybe the Love that I had for you would have kept you safe. Maybe the plans that were made for you, wouldn’t have gone so astray.

You’d be a Nurse and a Rockstar Mom too, but sadly your life, didn’t go this way. You’d be a Graduate from Harvard, too, but a boy would lead you astray.

Your Generational curse knocked you down, till you could no longer bear it’s weight. Once the drugs got ahold of you, I knew I would lose you one Day.

I prayed to God, and The Spirit, The Son, and the Holy Ghost. No on listened or or cared it seemed. I knelt on my knees, and cried for you, to make all your Pain Go away.

I never in a million years would have wished it this way. I didn’t know how to Protect you, your thorns, drove you insane.

We fought and we fought, and battled for you and we Beat those Dragons down for a Day or two. That Day they told you were incredibly sick. Your essence was shattered that day, The one where you a gave you a life sentence.

I knelt and I cried, and I pled for them to take it all away. You were so shattered when they said to you, you would eventually need a transplant some Day.

Your darkness came back and dragged you away and now your disease came prodding through. You left this world with so much sadness, I really wish I knew. The depths of your darkness were crevices to vast to expand. Then you drowned in a world you created for you, and you just gave up In the End.

You invited the monster to come and stay. You gave yourself up in the end. Your trusted advisor, had struck you down. You no longer could win. The monster, drained your essence from you, till you were almost nothing in the end.

And that Terrible Monday, when my world came to an end. The person I knew, who was me before, would never be back again.
Now the image is burned on My Soul, when I found you that day. I will never be whole again.

I knelt, and I prayed, and I cried for you, to and the emptiness all around. My incredible grief was born that day. That image always a breath away. 

My peace was shattered and i died for you. My sadness is here to stay. I don’t understand why it had to be you, why the world had to stop that Day.

I hope and I pray and I beg for you, to see you again one day.

We are all simply Stars wrapped in a soul and a physical bodyWe are all simply Stars wrapped in a soul and a physical body

Blessings for the Broken Hearted

Let us agree
for now
that we will not say
the breaking
makes us stronger
or that it is better
to have this pain
than to have done
without this love.

Let us promise
we will not
tell ourselves
time will heal
the wound,
when every day
our waking
opens it anew.

Perhaps for now
it can be enough
to simply marvel
at the mystery
of how a heart
so broken
can go on beating,
as if it were made
for precisely this—

as if it knows
the only cure for love
is more of it,

as if it sees
the heart’s sole remedy
for breaking
is to love still,

as if it trusts
that its own
persistent pulse
is the rhythm
of a blessing
we cannot
begin to fathom
but will save us
nonetheless.

We are all simply Stars wrapped in a soul and a physical body. Chelsea’s constellation needed every single star to show how incredibly bright she was. When we leave here, our soul goes to Jesus, but our beautiful light will continue to shine on; In the hearts of our loved ones forever. From the day you were born. you shared your beautiful, ordinary magic with me.

From the day you were born your big beautiful eyes shone with so much wonderment and curiosity. You were so smart. So intelligent. It was Scary how smart you were at times.

You never met a stranger. Gosh. Even as a little baby you would strike up  a conversation with anyone. It scared me. I was worried so often. I could never possess the level of blind trust you knew.

One Day this wonderment just disappeared. Your light dimmed so low. You became a broken and splintered and  depressed soul. I tried to get you help. I tried… We fought so hard to get you help.

Then you found a way to check out of the system; You started Self medicating. We fought this battle with you too. I could see that daily you fought so hard to want to stay on this earth. I couldn’t fix you. You couldn’t fix you.

Your family cried, we pleaded, we held you tight, we got you help, we got you help so many times, we set boundaries. It seemed that nothing changed and nothing else mattered. You could not stop, you were lost to addiction. It had won.

Your addiction always won. You would fight so hard every day. You would fail so hard many times too. I found this evidence going through your room. However, addiction takes control over everything else that really matters. You didn’t want to be an addict. You only wanted to remove your pain.

In the end I could not save you. Anytime you would have a good day, you would go out and use

Even though you lost friends, and lost the faith of some family members, You still had tremendous faith. You really kept this side from me. You showed me in so many ways that you thought your faith would save you. You wrote a poem: How do the Lost become found.  You wrote prayers in various locations, You wrote yourself messages of encouragement. You reminded yourself daily to create love and kindness. You said daily affirmations. “How have you created love today,” is written on her mirror. You thought you were so invincible. For a time, you were right, until you weren’t. You lost. I lost. We all lost. Our dreams shattered.

I have lost one of the most precious things to me. I will ache for your, soul, your lost opportunities and your lost moments of a lifetime where you no longer wear your cloak of skin. You were my best friend. You were who I told my feelings to. You were my confidant, You were always so loving. You showed me how to love unconditionally. You showed me why I needed to help mold your life and help make it Beautiful, loving, and protected. You made flowers grow on my heart and soul. You made me a mom. You made me want to protect you from your thorns.

Your tremmdous beauty was none to be compared to. You were also so strong when you wanted to be, when your monsters were at bay. But, you never believed you were as beautiful outside as well as within. You never believed or trusted yourself. I could not give that to you.

I hurt so much when you got sick. I had never heard of Alpha One Antrypsin defiency. Neither had you. Even some doctors you saw along the way didn’t know what Alpha One was either. I felt as helpless as you felt . Many times I didnt know how to help you. I couldnt ease your pain. Doctors and hospitals. They couldn’t ease your pain either. This became your daily life. You struggled to just to breathe to walk down the hall or just get out of bed some days. You struggled to even take care of yourself. In the end, I think you may have even welcomed death to escape your pain and suffering. You were so scared you would die suffocating, unable to breathe.  I am so glad that you just simply slipped off into sleep. Instead, You did not spend your last moments struggling  and unable to breathe.
.
I will cherish every memory I have of you. The good the bad, and everything we had. It just means we lived and we loved, and we lost.

I love you Chelsea Alleana Chapman. I will say your name to keep you present in my daily life. I will carry you forever in my heart. I know I will see you again. One day I will get to embrace you again. One day I will be whole again. I will live my life waiting for that glorious day.

Visiting “Home” ~Las Cruces, NM

 

So I got to go “home” to visit my Parents this last week.  My Mom and Dad have retired and moved back to where I grew up. I had such a great time visiting with my parents and seeing old friends.  Please enjoy my picture diary of our visit.

The Wonderful Sunrise that Greeted me as I drove to Las Cruces.

 

 

“Home is not where you live, but where they understand you”

~ Christian Morganstern

The smoke from the Gila Wilderness Wildfires made for some very dramatic sunsets. This is a shot from my parents back yard. The mountains are the Robledos looking west towards the Gila and Deming and Lordsburg.

 

My Mom and Dad’s new house is just amazing. My mother should have designed for “Good Housekeeping” Here is a small snippet, their breakfast nook..

“Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without shoes” Unknown

I had to go Picture hunting while I was there. Love the stucco homes and the vivid colors of all of the old buildings.

“One may have a blazing hearth in one’s soul and yet no one ever come to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on the way.”  Vincent Van Gogh

My Dad even got into the game of “Picture Hunting” We took a drive to the desert and found this amazing Hawk perched up on a Yucca, I had forgotten my SD card and we drove back to get it and came back and the Hawk was still there.. I am very fortunate. The mountains in the background are the Organs looking North towards Albuquerque. The smoke was so bad, there was never a day I could get a good picture of them.

 

 

A Great candid shot of  My Dad

 

“No matter under what circumstances you leave it, home does not cease to be home. No matter how you lived there-well or poorly.” ~ Joseph Brodsky

This was one clear day that I got to get this amazing shot of Picacho Peak.  The sky is always so Blue there.

My Drive back to DFW I found some really cool shots right before Van Horn TX.

 

I had such an amazing visit. I am so excited to share my views of “home” with all of you. I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I love this place.

Red Hibiscus and Random Garden shots

 

“May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.” ~~~ Irish Blessing

 

 

 

 

 

“Is the spring coming?” he said. “What is it like?”…
“It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine…” Frances Hodgson Burnett

 

 

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.” Frances Hodgson Burnett,