Category Archives: life

In the Garden

 

“In the garden my soul is sunshine”

– Unknown

DSC_0075

 

How does one become a butterfly?” she asked. “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”Trina Paulus

 

DSC_0078

 

Just living is not enough,” said the butterfly, “one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower.” 

— Hans Christian Anderson

DSC_0095

 

“Butterflies…flowers that fly and all but sing.” – Robert Frost

DSC_0088

Advertisements

I Don’t Know How to Do it Any Other Way

Writing is not coming natural anymore.

Stress is overwhelming and  consuming me.

It’s beating me down, making everything dull and lifeless–

like a black and white photograph that has no depth or dimension.

I am forcing myself to write this.

Maybe It is supposed to make me feel.. better?

What is better? What is healing? What is acceptance? These all feel like foreign words.

WRITE!!!!

I command thee..

WRITE!…

Go find the words, where are they hiding!

Maybe they are there…. behind the scared mother.

Maybe they are there…. behind the helpless protector.

Maybe they are there…. hiding behind the disappointed parent.

Maybe they are there….lurking behind the anger that I can no longer control when we talk.

Maybe I am just speechless.. utterly shocked by your choices.

Will this ever stop…

Why are you blaming me?

Are you that confused?

Why don’t you want help?

Are you comfortable… being scattered and disheveled?

I did not make you take those pills.

I did not tell you to drink.

I did not force you to smoke.

Yet you blame me…

your anger, your defiance and  your deliberate actions scream back at me,

that I am to blame.

I did not cause this!

You took this path!

You made these choices!

I am only reacting.

I don’t know how to do it any other way…

 

In God’s name I Pray…

prayer001

This damn Blinking cursor is just staring at my vacuum mind…

Where are my thoughts..

They are silent..

Events are just dragging me through life..

This empty shell of me.

What was inside has moved on and is protecting itself.

I am just reacting to all of the events that are passing me by..

He calls me strong..

It is just not all sinking in, I think.

More events and craziness..

How much more can I take..

Tough love.. is this what this is..

Oh I think I am about to break..

More doctors and more meds…

more phone calls,

I am distraught..

Disgusted and sickened..

and so scared

Why is she just throwing it all away..

Starting to drag me down..

Affect my performance

No More..

Why can’t you just say no more

Can’t you hear me

I am screaming your name

Telling you I love you..

Please stop and listen…

Just turn your head

Change the direction

You are going..

stop hurting yourself..

my precious child..

In God’s name

I Pray…

Helpless and Parenting

a walk alone 2

Excuse sir, me have you seen my little girl

She was bright and so full light

Now she shines with such a dull pain

How I wish I could catch and sooth her rain..

Hold her tight, help her find her will again

She was once filled with awe and wonder

where has she gone.. How do I find her.

I am so scared and so alone in this plight.

Naked feelings run rampant in my mind

I am angry and in so much pain..

I know I push and prod her and she runs again.

Back to the comfort of her darkness.

I need a comfort but cannot find it.

Helpless and Parenting..

Excuse me Sir,  How do I end this..